The past 17 months and a half that I had serving as a full-time missionary in both Salt Lake City Temple Square and Georgia Atlanta North Missions were the happiest and most spiritual moments of my earthly experience. During these spiritual peaks, I had uninterrupted scriptures studies and all I could think about is the Savior and His Gospel. I do admit that I miss those moments, when I have been surrounded by angels and all that is inside my head was to declare the good news of the gospel and to labor diligently in the Lord’s vineyard.
But like every good thing in mortality, there is always both a beginning and an end. How fast those times flew and I am now home from that most wonderful, eternally cherished experience. And like every other missionary who returns home, we wonder (even if how many times we’ve talked about it in our missions) how we are going to apply the lessons that we have learned in those 18-24 months of service.
My mission was a fruitful one. I have never been close to the Savior as I had when I was in Temple Square or in Georgia. And I thought that I was confident that I would be able to easily apply the things that I’ve learned on my mission to my post-mission life. Sadly, I fell into Satan’s trap of thinking that I would be able to adjust spiritually well. But I had always forgotten that the more spiritual you are becoming, the more difficult will be the trials and the greater will be the adversary. It is at the brink of almost giving up that questions come into my head and made me ponder, and still to this day I do so, that I really needed answers to – not just one time – but always for continuous guidance.
In my mission, I had learned that the greatest happiness that you can get is by doing service and developing Christ-like attributes. I felt determined that I was going to continue doing that even after my mission. I did well; I served my mom and tried to be obedient to her commands (just like how much I wanted to be obedient to Heavenly Father’s commandments). I wanted to do inventory as much as possible (companionship inventories were one of my favorite things to do as a missionary). And I wanted to keep doing the missionary routine – wake up, exercise, study, and work, evaluate. Unfortunately, even though I had been able to do what my mom had told me to do; I fell out of the routine of the missionary schedule. I hadn’t been able to do some physical exercise. I didn’t have anyone to study with and I had so much time in my hands that I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to talk to people, try to catch up and share my mission experiences but I felt like no one wanted to listen. My first month as a returned missionary was hard. I quickly fell into depression thinking that I am worthless, doubting why am I even here when I should’ve extended my service back to Utah. I was able to find a job immediately, but because of not being surrounded with friends of the same standards (most of the friends that I can talk to are just online), I also fell quickly into the temptation on using language as the world did – even without cussing, I went back to raising up my pride, and once again I fell into the trap of wasting my time through social media.
After being released, my Stake President told me that he is asking the bishops to give the returned missionaries a calling to teach in the ward to keep the fire burning and that we can share our mission experiences through our lessons. That was one thing that I am most excited about since I can have the opportunities to study. A couple of weeks later, I got called to be a Sunday School Teacher for our Single Adults’ class. As I studied my lessons, along with reading the Book of Mormon and weekly Temple Attendance, it definitely helps me keep my enthusiasm as an RM.
I thought that I was doing well because of the added calling that I had, that I was still spiritually strong as I was as a missionary. Little did I know that I was slowly becoming back to who I was before my mission, only with little changes with the things I have learned. Upon that slow realization, I tried to get rid of those that have been influencing me so much and helped me realized that I was wasting not just my time but the time that the Lord as entrusted me after my mission. I then decided to let go of the temptation of logging into social media every day. However, that wasn’t the biggest thing that I needed to change or improve on.
It took me to fight with my sister that made me realize that I have not really changed as much as I should have. I was still the prideful Kristel Marie as opposed to the improving, striving-to-be-Christ-like Sister Ngo. After that verbal argument, I’ve pondered over again and again the words that we have exchanged and I felt completely disgusted and disappointed with myself, especially since I went to the temple that day and I read what the Lord clearly stated in Doctrine and Covenants 25 to beware of pride. I knew that I still needed to work on my humility and meekness. I decided from then onwards to really watch how I respond and how I say things that people will not be able to misinterpret. However; the next day I still kept doing it at work.
Because I had time and I wasn’t too busy in the clinic that I was working for, I decided to prepare for my lesson that I was going to teach that Sunday. The lesson truly hit me right at the very center. As I was reading through the chapters suggested for study and listening to Rob Gardner’s “Lamb of God” album on my phone, questions have popped into my head. Questions that I wanted to ask every day to help me evaluate and help me to improve myself.
As a returned missionary, with all of the worldly influences at work, school or any other place that I can be, I easily fall into the trap of speaking the worldly language, listening to worldly music. The prophets have always counselled us latter-day Saints to “be in the world but not of the world.” I was then left to think that, as a returned missionary, how will I be able to do that? I then looked at myself and I saw that the reason I could be trapped into being in the world and off the world is that I am trying to catch up with the world’s pace without being careful. I wanted to fit in. I forget the need to be “peculiar”, to be unique. Another reason I guess would be pride. I thought I knew better. Because I thought so, I subconsciously think that I am above everyone else. The Savior taught, “…but whosoever will be great among you, let him be your minister; and whosoever will be chief among you let him be your servant: Even as the Son of man came no to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.” That hit me real hard. Then I thought, I need to slow down, I need time to think before I speak and do, I need time to ponder.
Another question that I had is what can I do to constantly feel the Spirit AND be surrounded by the influences of the Spirit just like I did on my mission? This is one of the hardest questions to answer. I had been reading my scriptures, praying morning, mid-day and night, attending the temple, listening to good music… what lack I yet? The answer… is that I realized there is not much content in my prayers. Going back to I need time to ponder, I never gave myself time to stop and think for a moment about what I have read. In short, I lacked SINCERITY and REAL INTENT, most of all, I lacked faith. No wonder I was just stagnant, or even fall backwards. I always thought that I didn’t have enough time when in reality, I do, had I managed it wisely. I haven’t really been consistent with my prayers and my studies. Sometimes I just do it for the sake of doing it, and sometimes I do it because I LOVE to be closer to the Savior. After being in the Temple that Tuesday, and after having these realizations, I realized I want to be close to the Savior IN and OUT of the temple EVERY SINGLE DAY.
I have had so many questions in my head but these are the two greatest ones. Some may likely be just follow-up questions to these things, some may be easily answered as I type (or write) them down. After being able to ponder a lot on these questions, and searching for my answers, I felt prompted type them down. I truly testify that revelations come as you record your experiences (because the answers to the questions that I had in bold came as I am writing this document).
I am still not yet perfect and I am far from becoming one. I still make these same mistakes. But I know that by constantly reading this and also by constantly striving to improve myself daily, I can become better and be a better person to those around me, especially to my family. And to be honest, I don’t want to be in another argument like I had with my sister. I don’t want to feel negative anymore.
I truly testify that the Savior heals and comforts us. I know that His Atonement is definitely for each of us INDIVIDUALLY. I know that if it wasn’t for His unconditional love, we wouldn’t be able to experience joy in this life. I love the Savior, I love His Gospel. Without the Gospel, I wouldn’t be able to learn the things that I have learned the last 18 months and I am still learning them now. I invite all of you to continually love and know the Savior, and I promise you that you will find peace, comfort and happiness. I know these things to be true and I share them in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
